Since it is so busy here at work, I will review Lil Wayne’s new release “Tha Carter 3.” I know he’s the world’s hottest emcee right now, at least to all the hip hop Internets nerds. Now I’ve only heard him on a couple songs in the past and I will say he’s a lot better when he’s not on a track alone. Whether he is the guest star or he has a guest on the song with him, he becomes a lot easier to listen to when it’s not just him. I don’t find him a bad emcee, I just don’t find him to be enjoyable at all to listen to.

The most of what I know of Lil Wayne is he has kissed Baby on the lips and that would be fine if not for the really scary relationship they seem to have. You know, how Weezy calls Baby his Daddy, and has rhymes like “Baby is the Daddy, my Daddy is a Baby, Now I’m the Baby of my Daddy who’s a Baby” or some shit. It’s creepy because that’s not actually his f-cking father. The rest of what I know of Lil Weezy Ana is that he once dated Trina and cried when she broke up with him, and Gillie da Kid supposedly ghostwrote a lot of his better rhymes from early in his career. Oh and Wayne also is addicted to sizzurp…

So because I can’t really stand more than a lil Lil Wayne (see what I did there?), I have not listened to his new album, or really any of his albums or mixtapes. So I will review “Tha Carter 3” based on song titles alone.

3 Peat
I guess the album is called “Tha Carter 3” because it is his third album and his last name is Carter. Or perhaps he is saying he’s the third famous person named Carter after President Jimmy and Jay-Z. Regardless, I guess he’s saying this is his third album and it’s a 3-Peat for him because each album has been championship caliber. I doubt such a claim is true, but I will concede this: his huge presence on the current scene would have been completely unexpected ten years ago. I remember him from the days when Cash Money first started to blow and he was like the Shyheim of the group. And I also remember thinking like Baby and Mannie Fresh were the two ugliest dudes I had ever seen together, they looked like monsters. So what were we talking about?

Mr. Carter (Ft. Jay-Z)
So I heard Jay calls Wayne his “heir” on this song. And I read in an interview, Weezy is so stupid, he in fact didn’t realize he said “heir” but thought he said “air.” After the song was done, one of his friends was like, “uhh, you know he complimented you right?” Ladies and Gentlemen: the world’s greatest MC!

A Milli
This is the only song I have heard in full off this album. It’s pretty unremarkable, except for the trivia it inspires. I don’t know how many people have now dropped “freestyles” over this beat, including Wayne himself. Anyway, I find the Jay-Z drop, the Nico the Beast drop, the Lil Mama drop, the Fabolous drop, and even the Chris Brown drop just about as good as or better than the original, so there you have it. Actually I take that back about Chris Brown, I was exaggerating.

I don’t understand why people love this beat, because when it comes to all-time great beats to freestyle over, I feel like this isn’t really in a class with “Come Clean” or “Time’s Up” or even “Breathe” - so why is everybody recording over it?

Got Money (Ft. T-Pain)
Pain is great as a hook singer. He probably elevates this song from a solid D-minus to a C-minus. If, however, Wayne rhymes through the vocoder, then it’s down to an F.

Comfortable (Ft. Babyface)
I’m sorry, what? Babyface? There is only one genre Babyface is allowed to explore, and that would be slow jams. No hooks. Remember “Sunshine” with Jay and Foxy? What is this? It seems Face wasn’t happy to just sit back and be irrelevant, and the fact that his fine wife left him for Eddie Murphy, who had previously impregnated and bounced on Scary Spice, he probably is losing his mind.

The fact that his collabo with Weezy is right after the one with T-Pain probably is intentional. Dude like “let me show these youngstas how it’s done!” But poor Face has no idea how it’s done. Go watch your DVD collection dude, I’m perfectly content to remember the way you were when you were awesome.

Dr. Carter
This is probably a sex song. Gross.

Phone Home
Maybe this is the political one? Maybe it’s about Katrina and New Orleans and his emotions being one of music’s biggest stars and not having a chance to spend time with the people who nurtured him in the place where they still are given no choice but to suffer due to gross governmental incompetence and society’s lack of concern for the American working poor? Either that or it’s about aliens.

Tie My Hands (Ft. Robin Thicke)
Nice. Robin Thicke and Brian Scalabrine are in the running for title of “my favorite white guy.” Oh, just noticed the title. Definitely a sex song. I guess all Robin Thicke songs are sex songs. I remember when he dropped his first album and he was just going by Thicke, and Remy Shand came out around the same time. Remy got mad love, he was being called “the white Maxwell” and even “the white Prince (!!!!!!)” – and turns out he was “the white neo-soul singer with extremely limited songwriting ability” and Thicke, or Robin Thicke, has turned out to be the one with staying power. Did yall know he’s Alan Thicke’s son?

Mrs. Officer (Ft. Bobby Valentino & Kidd Kidd [uncredited])
I’m pretty sure this is also a sex song. You don’t have Bobby Valentino on a song about police brutality.

Let the Beat Build
I heard this beat sans vocals. It’s a Kanye beat, and like most of his stuff, it starts out promising. Then it gets boring and repetitive. There isn’t enough empty space on it I think, and that makes me think hearing Wayne’s guttural squeaky squeaky on it is gonna make it sound way too busy. Thumbs down.

Shoot Me Down (Ft. D. Smith)
Could this be the song about police brutality? I’m gonna guess it’s about how he’s the best rapper alive and if someone is gonna take that number 1 spot, they’ll have to shoot him down. This is my favorite song on this album.

Lollipop (Ft. Static Major)
Oh I forgot, I actually have heard this one too. Whatever. Not impressed. Not upset either. Middle of the road.

La La (Ft. Brisco & Busta Rhymes)
Heard this beat also without vocals. It’s produced by David Banner, who I didn’t realize produced. Anyway it’s crazy weird, and from what I hear Wayne is weird, so that might be a perfect match. I’m gonna go out on a limb and call this the quintessential Lil Wayne song on the album. You heard it here first.

Playing With Fire (Ft. Betty Wright)
Betty Wright? THE Betty Wright? OK. Yeah given my previous statement about liking Wayne only when he’s got others on the track with him, I gotta say this song is awesome. Because the other person on the song is Betty Wright. Now if this turns out to be someone other than THE Betty Wright, then this song is the worst song ever recorded simply because of the tease.

You Ain’t Got Nuthin’ (Ft. Fabolous & Juelz Santana)
So why does Wayne only team up with New York rappers? Thinks he’s too good for the South? This is no doubt the typical obligatory posse cut, but I have to assume there’s not much fire in this song. Fab can be nice when he’s got the right music to flow over, but if not his flow is kinda boring. And there’s really nothing I like about Juelz Santana, except how he pronounces his first name. I think back to classics that featured three MCs like “Burn Hollywood Burn,” “Crooklyn,” “Body Rock,” “Respiration,” or even “Down for the Count” and I am guessing this does not measure up. Fail.

DontGetIt
So I assume this is a song about how Wayne doesn’t “get” grammar and punctuation. You know what he does “get” though? High off cough syrup.

Verdict: Better than Rick Ross’s next joint, but worse than “Tha Carter 2.” Does that album exist? Well, whether it does or not, I’m gonna say this was worse.

Rating: 2 out of 5